Stuck

Last Friday I deleted V's name on my people list.

When I told him that I am seeing someone in a way, he stopped talking to me.

I don't know whether there is a correlation between the two events but I would like to fancy that he is jealous of the fact that I met someone who I was not set up with. Or that he is jealous because we had a shot and we couldn't do anything. Or that he was mutually attracted but better sense prevailed and he stayed away.

Or maybe because well, he's just really busy.

I want to say that it doesn't matter but it does. It really does. A day has hardly passed by that I haven't thought of him. In one way or another.

And it's pathetic.

And it's downright silly.

And it's so me.

My email has automatically archived my saved messages from him. And I can't find it anymore.

Another sign right? Right?

Right.

Moving on...

Social Experiment has begun scaring me in a way. He has fantasies that I have no way of fulfilling. I think I already know why he is still unmarried. But why do I persist on playing with this person?

Because I have to see how this story will end.

I might end up a cadaver thrown in the river. I might end up a traumatized person with a gazillion std's. I mind end up the victim of a gangbang. I might end up the wife of an officer with a short shelf life.

But bottom line is, I will not end up wondering.

I am giving myself until the end of this year to pursue this. I am already compiling my "in the event of my ruinous end" packet which will be distributed to a couple of people.

Overly dramatic? Yes. Of course.