This Modern Dance

https://www.ted.com/talks/aakash_odedra_a_dance_in_a_hurricane_of_paper_wind_and_light

Can't sleep.

I still haven't figured things out and I'm turning 35 in a fortnight.

I'm utterly horrified.

Not the exact bottom of the barrel

I run a solo income household. It's not exactly penury not are we starving but a lot of my peers do not realize what a big challenge it is for a thirty four year old who is still coming to terms with who she is and what she really wants.

You have to get creative. Seriously think out of the box and as much as there are a lot of feel good stories in this world about conquering odds and pursuing your dreams, I have to place some of my sort of plans on hold.

It's only belatedly I realized that I want to go back to school and grab another degree. Like a different one.

I'll let you know once I've figured it out. I'm still thinking. At least that's still for free.

Working Nights

It's been a long time since I wrote anything - I do a lot of writing though these involve official business - email, process documentation, instructions - the kind of writing that appears to have a direct impact in other people's lives but in truth, it's primarily making decisions that can bite you in the ass in the long run if one is not careful.

I tried to start writing flights of fantasy using my mobile phone as well - but the theme is too far-fetched and stems from some innate desire to get rid of evil in this world. Really silly but can be entertaining if all logic and sense is turned off.

I've been in the night shift for the past few months. Some three years ago, I started in the day shift and knew that eventually I will be tossed back in the dregs of the graveyard shift. I am no lightweight in staying up late - it's the drama that I cannot tolerate. Life is fairly simple - yes or no, go or stay, make or break. I am still trying to understand why there has to be several shades in between each choice.

Other people's misery at work is fodder for cigarette break gossip. And I do love me some gossip. The pretend drama is a nice comparison to how calm my life seems to be though I have had my fair share for the past year.

2013 is almost done - I wish I made something more substantial this year outside of getting promoted. I also wish I could get off my ass to start on making concrete plans for the future.

Oh well.

I never really understood the line " a part of me died" or "my world came crashing down" - how is this even possible when we can still breathe, when we can still move and eat, and love, get aroused and desire objects and people. How can a part of us die when we are in essence, still functioning? 

My father died two weeks ago and it's only now that I am beginning to understand that death transcends grief. That a person can still laugh and yet be two inches away from crying.

Some day, I'll write about how glad I am. 

Went to Tali beach last Saturday.

Man, never felt like such an indio. I think I was the only pure pinoy there.

Today I understood two things.

1. When you love somebody, you just understand. Even with all your bias and occasional hurt, you understand.

2. I am tired of understanding.

This evening, a friend and I had a casual convo about this person being in a relationship all the time
Me: He's never single - I think the longest time he was single was like 9 months after the psycho ex.
Him : Really? That's a long time. I'm hardly single. How about you? Don't you feel alone?
Me: Me? Good god no, I am comfortable with myself. I don't need another person to validate me.

Accidentally found some quiet time when I read the invite as 1430 instead of 1530 - damn military time - when I got to the venue the place was deserted and I had no recourse but to go to the next door gas station.

Hovered by the magazine section, wondering whether the paps get their news - Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with twins, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are finally tying the knot since the former is pregnant with twins as well --- erm....

National Geographic had a spread about the King James Bible which made me shudder the same way anything religious does - but it was objective and took some 15 minutes to read so that was good.

"Borrowing" a copy of the Discovery Channel Magazine and having bought some coffee frappe, I espied a newly vacated table and claimed it as my own - I sat down and was about to grab my ipod when I realized something - this is nice. A random gas station with a coffee shop,a magazine and nothing that smacks of being online.

Quiet time far, far, far away from the madding crowd. Where nobody knows my name.

Just, quiet with the chatter of the sales clerks in the background and the distant buzz of passing traffic.

I haven't had one of those moments when my thoughts are crowded and frenzied.

It's Nice. With a capital N.

why is it that every time I think I am ready to type down my thoughts they all disappear?

The potential for things happening is always more alluring than the actual event falling into place.

It's the same as the story capturing the attention more than the moment happening.

Remember Me as a time of Day

Lovely.

http://youtu.be/XkclIDu9K5c

Currently listening to Stars , Part time heroes and Michael Franks - all from the wonderful Pao who gave me a whole stash of music to sample after I asked him who was doing the singing from his laptop a couple of weeks ago.

I like it when people recommend music, books and movies and not random homeopathic cures - I hate being told how to fix a cold or a rash with vinegar and honey. I am a strong believer in science and drug stores thank you very much.

Had some chai latte earlier - don't be fooled by the fancy name, it's just some sweet condensed milk in hot water and powdered chai - local salabat is better but oh well. better than milo.

It's a Saturday night at home -- earlier I woke up from a marathon nap with an "is this all there is to it?"

It's the lack of money. Plus Breaking Dawn is showing so I am avoiding all local cinemas. I might break into hives from all the teenyboppers roaming the hallways.

I just read what I posted and I realized that instead of an upward climb, I am wholly flippant on print.

I have random thoughts. I have decided some time ago that life is too weird to obsess over things that might not happen - my days are mostly funny because of the people around me ( i.e. converting my team into baklese speaking heteros) and because of the long hours spent at work ( coming home on time is treat though I love the overtime pay)

I fear growing old and alone. That's a secret but not anymore because I've broadcasted it.

I think about how people perceive me - so I try my damnest to be better than most. I am not that intelligent but I manage.

I wish I am more vain in terms of looks but I am not though I am a big fan of facial creams that whiten. I don't want to be a dark skinned fatty. Not that it's bad but my mom always reminds me that "at least you are fair skinned"

It takes me long to start working on something. I am a master procastinator but I am finding a way to cure that.

I bought a rowing machine that I've used once - and I intend to start rowing. I miss the dull ache on my muscles. I did play sports before.

I think that being fat is a hindrance to finding a man. And since I judge myself harshly it means that I won't find a man until I accept myself. Fat chance. Haha.

I like being useful. It gives me worth.

My mastery of English makes me feel above others. Haha. Not really. Other people know shit that I can't even fathom. My local language skills are improving though.

I think frequently about migrating to Australia but I don't think I have the gumption. And I don't want to work in factory.

Oh well.

A Free Fall and Something

I like Michael Franks - listening to him is like eavesdropping to private conversation about a special memory that you sort of wish you own but would rather marvel at how marvelous that memory is --- it's private and public at the same time and though I find it tough humming his songs, when the trusty nano is playing the albums, I get lost.

A gent was generous to give me copies of his albums. Alternating it now with Powderfinger.

My Heart Said Wow
Michael Franks

I guess I never knew love
Could ever be true love
Life had left me gigantically
Anti-romantic
I was blue as Camus
And I never quite understood why
Love passed me by

Though it's true that this ditty
Begins in self-pity
I can promise the ending
Will be more ascending
Cause I've made some revisions
Since our sweet collision
And how
Just look at me now
I simply surrendered
The moment my heart said Wow

Though it's true that this ditty
Begins in self-pity
I can promise the ending
Will be more ascending
Cause I've made some revisions
Since our sweet collision
And how
Just look at me now
I simply surrendered
The moment my heart said Wow


Aren't we all looking for the Wow moment? Now i just need a wow back.

30 July 2011

I hate those periods of clarity when I am in between being awake and asleep - that is when the hard hitting truths emerge and I find myself agreeing.

- You fear that you are not really meant for that romantic bullshit. You can't even say the word "romance" without grimacing.
- He's really a horrible person but you're so blinded by your affection that you overlook how narrow-minded and insensitive that person is --- in fact, you move schedules around to accommodate the persons schedule and make sure they're included - but hey, guess what? you're not part of his picture. Fuck that, bitch. Since you can't be fucked, you're not included. haha. I'll probably regret saying this later but again, fuck that. That's how I think right now.
- I think that dumping a friend can be harsh but I really dislike pushovers. In fact, I abhor them to high heavens. Push overs are the martyrs of hell.
- You are one sad person.
- Spending the weekends by yourself is turning into a source of dread.
- Going back to work on Monday is making you dread Monday. A bit. Still manageable though.
- There are still pangs of regret over leaving former job. My rallying cry will always be fuck that. I had to leave or else I would go crazy or start hitting someone.
- My boss can be an idiot. She has no choice.


Listening Posts:

Currently listening to :
Powderfinger
- obsessing on the following tracks:
a. My Happyness
b. Like a Dog
c. Burn Your Name

Foster the People

Currently reading:
a. Animal Husbandry
b. Friends, Lovers, Chocolate
c. The Angle Quickest For Flight
d. Wit's End

Riceboys
Circle I Limbo

Trixies
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

General asshats
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Militant Vegans
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Republicans
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Scientologists
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

NAMBLA Members
Circle VII Burning Sands

Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Osama bin Laden
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

Her Morning Elegance

Currently listening to :

Oren Lavie - The Opposite Side of The Sea

Springing from the popularity of Her Morning Elegance's stop motion video, this album is the twisted soundtrack of your soothing aunt who often gives your cookies. You play this in the background and it would sound pleasant until you catch some of the lyrics :

Reach you hand out, someone'll take it, strip it down and leave you naked, that's what they do to strangers you see - Opposite Side of the Sea.

I like the strains of the cello and violins in this album.



Adele - 21

Adele previously stated that her album will mostly be about boys.

Some songs are akin to dragging your liver out with a rusty fork and serving it on a platinum platter whilst waiting for the pain to end.

Am still reeling over One and Only which just summed up every fool's unrequited fantasies. It's another boombox over the head kind of song.

There is a maturity to Adele's music that just sums up the human experience of longing --- it's a full album that sounds better at each listen. The full nuances and cadence of each line has a filling effect on those who wish that they are the ones holding the boomboxes and gets the girl/guy in the end.

All this without entering rom-com territory.

Digging and Sorting

Spent a good couple of hours going through my closet.

I found myself lost in multi-coloured tank tops, skirts with damaged zippers and a ton of miscellaneous clothing that I had to stop and wonder : Where the fuck did these come from?!

Arranged everything by colour, decided to refurbish a damaged denim skirt (it has a hole in a place where it's not cool to have a hole on) with a batik dress that had it's garter all stretched out, found a khaki skirt that might prove useful next week once the zippers been changed and resurrected a cowl necked blouse that i've never bothered to use. Typical.

Next week, shoes! I have a ton under my bed and fortunately they haven't escaped yet.

Found a dvd of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas --- oh well. Don't fuck with me right now man, I'm ahab!

You knrr, it takes gumption to say "I don't know" .

I'm riding the tidal wave of selective nostalgia right now. A few months ago when Rei was in Manila I had dinner with her and two other friends from college. Good god, college. I could barely remember college.

Outside : Oh golly! College! Kumbayah territory! OMG! What?! Go to Mass?! Again?!
Inside : I want to excel! I want to excel! I want to excel!
Outside : Party did you say?
Inside : I CAN wing it because I am sharper than a rapier... and lazier than a toad of valium.
Inside + Outside (Finally agreeing) = Fuck THAT. I want to work.

Exuent, stage left.

Past week I had a sort of reunion with some high school mates. I can't even say the word friends for the very reason that we haven't seen each other and my definition of friendship has matured beyond someone I shared a toke with. We were mostly strangers and slightly familiar and looking at them, I had to think...

What the heck did I do in high school?

I heard that it's supposed to be the best time in your life.

I think that the best period in your life is well, having a life regardless.

Tempt-ing

1. Career shifts can cause doubt.

I have been in the new company for the past almost six months and I am still at a point that I would have clear flashbacks of my former life.

Which just tells me several things:

1a. A part of me is still wallowing in regret over the stable, quiet , predictable life that I just threw away.
1b. I miss the blind adoration that comes along with being in a room full of people whose passing or failing depends on how well you teach.
1c. I have too much idle time in my hands hence the reason that my mind keeps on wandering around.

Went to a sort of high school reunion and I was shocked with how much things have changed. Some people's identities are rocks in my head wherein the smug satisfaction that I have been carrying around is just pointless. What do I have to be smug about? My life is not as peachy as I want it to be.

They are married (not a goal), with great jobs ( a sort of goal) and fabulous shoes (a dream not for the ent footed)

Who are these strangers?!

2. I have to stop sending my resume and not show up. That's just bad manners.

3. Listening to Adele's 21. It defies awesome.

4. Downloading Nicole Scherzingers Don't Hold Your Breathe and Jennifer Lopez's On The Floor. Torrent can't find J.Lo. Instead it will spout Spartacus, Airline Management and the like.

5. Watched an episode of this silly reality art competition. Some showed intense talent. The rest are just plain pretentious. Seriously? Performance art?

6. Nevermind, I'll find someone like you - Adele, Someone Like You.

7. Loving Auntie Janey's old fashioned Agony Column. Had a great laugh at the latest entry.

8. I find a mystifying sense of urgency at work --- finish the crap now so I can goof off immediately at StumbleUpon.

9. Imagining the floating hotel in Kerala. I still have the image of a blue room and white sheets.

10. Turning tables.