Argh.

When you left you took with you a piece of me and a year later, it's still the same.

---

gathering my requirements for that blasted chinese visa is giving me a headache.

Madly, madly, madly.

I'm currently on the road, a bottle of Tiger energy drink on my left hand. It's akin to slow siphoning in a thousand calories into my already over fed carcass. On a normal scale, 3 cups of vendo coffee would have sufficed. But I need a sharper manic edge, hence the drink.

Sip.

I'm sure that working on Sunday has it's points. I'll let you know when I see it.

Broke up with AME. I'm my own little liar and lies, even by ommission are intolerable. I said goodbye. He said no. I said hell yes.

We're friends now.

I know who I'm thinking of still.

Commute

Listening to the Jennifer's Body ost and the save me san francisco album of Train whilst in the commute. The two albums are surprisingly good with the latter being incredibly sweet without being sickening.

I'm tired of being surrounded by people who wake up as tight supernova blackholes. They wish to suck the rest of humanity into their vacuum of non humorous darkness.

Had my passport renewed. Means making another personal appearance at the bloody DFA. If only I don't need it right by January.

Been spending an extraordinary time on my mobile internet. Reeks of boredom.

Oh. Eww. Some cheapo school is imitating sosy ex college's uniform. Eww.

Might be in china by 2010 for a month. If I don't make it, it's all good. At least i'll have the chance to leave the world's local bank or look for another post. Maybe this time in operations.

Trip almost over. Laters.

Sort of Overload

Sight :

An Episode about Japan on Discovery Channel
http://www.peopleofwalmart.com
http://www.aibento.net
http://www.dailymail.co.uk

Touch :
None.

Hearing :
Ipod playing the following bands/artists
Ode To a Beautiful Nude
Break the Ice by Britney Spears
Mental Picture by Jon Secada
A New Tattoo by Urbandub
The Whole Album of Little Boots

Taste :

The new grilled shrimp flavour of Pringles. Holy snap! It is Pink!

Feelings are so useless. I wish I could sleep though.

Must've been too hasty but I know I did the right thing.

Hence the reason I am the one left behind.

Do we really need that remix?

Just saw the remix version of Frankie Goes to Hollywood's "Relax". Though the initial reaction was some applause from this side --- applause because of the band's audacity to re-mix what was considered a controversial song back in the 80's and some laughter at how typical the video is. Skinny models + homo-ambigious looking boys + flashing lights + barely subtle sexual devices = Typical. It's so J.Lo that I am thinking that give or take a week, this would be considered a hit in the ringtone biz.

Relax. Don't do it.

Even if Frankie just did.

....

Been living in seclusion for the past few days. The only "window" I have to the outside world is the TV (Yay, Discovery Travel and Living free for the rest of the week, courtesy of SkyCrappyCable --- why I'm sticking with this cable service, I don't know. I am missing a lot of good TV here. But then again, What is the Lifestyle Channel?) and the internet.

Sites browsed within the past 30 minutes :
Facebook (Vampire Wars anyone?)
Yahoo
Time.com
CNN
Perez Hilton
JessicaRulesTheUniverse
People.com
EOnline

Cigarettes smoked : 3

Milk Tea packets consumed : 2

Parents antagonized : 1

And a partridge in a pear tree.

Oh look, it's the pretty boys trying to be a band : Hanson!

Don't curse but I liked Penny and Me.

Found : Virgin Blue by Tracy Chevalier for 115.00
The Laws of Love by Laura Esquivel for 125.00 (Hardbound)

Finally completed my Tracy Chevalier collection.

Collections that I have completed :
1. Harry Potter 1-7
2. The Nightwatch series by Sergie Lukyanenko
3. Tracy Chevalier
4. Twilight series

Collections that I am waiting to complete
1. Terry Pratchett
2. Jasper Fforde (Though I have all of his Thursday Next books and Nursery Crime)
3. Gabriel Garcia Marquez
4. Stephen King's Dark Tower series
5. Ann Patchett
6. Ariana Franklin's Mistress of Death series

I have to visit Fully Booked some day.

I had lost all of my belief you see? / and realize my mistakes - Love's Divine by Seal

Stuck

Last Friday I deleted V's name on my people list.

When I told him that I am seeing someone in a way, he stopped talking to me.

I don't know whether there is a correlation between the two events but I would like to fancy that he is jealous of the fact that I met someone who I was not set up with. Or that he is jealous because we had a shot and we couldn't do anything. Or that he was mutually attracted but better sense prevailed and he stayed away.

Or maybe because well, he's just really busy.

I want to say that it doesn't matter but it does. It really does. A day has hardly passed by that I haven't thought of him. In one way or another.

And it's pathetic.

And it's downright silly.

And it's so me.

My email has automatically archived my saved messages from him. And I can't find it anymore.

Another sign right? Right?

Right.

Moving on...

Social Experiment has begun scaring me in a way. He has fantasies that I have no way of fulfilling. I think I already know why he is still unmarried. But why do I persist on playing with this person?

Because I have to see how this story will end.

I might end up a cadaver thrown in the river. I might end up a traumatized person with a gazillion std's. I mind end up the victim of a gangbang. I might end up the wife of an officer with a short shelf life.

But bottom line is, I will not end up wondering.

I am giving myself until the end of this year to pursue this. I am already compiling my "in the event of my ruinous end" packet which will be distributed to a couple of people.

Overly dramatic? Yes. Of course.

Con't

Selected a bar that was playing some pre-spiritual healing alanis. A glass of mindoro sling will set me back 190p. Am on holiday so why not?

A mindoro sling has cheap rum, mango juice, fruit and a splash of some anonymous alcohol.

Life should be like this - colourful, drunk deep with a cig on the side.

Intoxicating too.

Sitting down, doing nothing

Am at the beach right now. The sun has gone down and i'm on my ass, sitting on the damp sand. A few metres away are some gai jins with their local floozies. V. Judgemental but i understand where they are coming from.

I've been thinking about the immediate future but all that is going around my head right now was my amusement earlier when egypt was late for work because I described in graphic detail the dastardly things I would do to him once we're alone.

Sexting while watching waves let's go...

Poor bastard might've creamed his pants. However, I did mean what I said.

Going back to where there's light. It's getting dark now.

Whatev.

As Rei have mentioned, she has heard all my whingeing when I was still in the throes on my feelings for LawyerDude.

As the Foo Fighters have succinctly stated it " I am always stuck between the handshake and the fuck."

It's not like I purposely walk on by and then suddenly get struck by heart wurms. It's the ransom comment, the sudden laugh and the smart ass smiles that get me.

Been reading some books that were set in India. A Toss of Lemon by P. Visvanathan and Passage to India by E.M. Foster.

Will be on the road tomorrow --- going to an island where I have been before. Maybe there I can unshed him and the other folks.

Because new shoes, getting a haircut and chocolate cake were all proven to not work.

BackFire

Officially cancelling the social experiment.

It backfired big time.

I found me a man and it was done online.

Damnit.

Forward, backward, decide.

Spoke to V earlier regarding AME.

When V found out about the age disparity, he told me to think really hard about it.

V: did he say marriage.
Me: no. But he said that it's fate.
Later on...
V: do you love him?
Me: no. I'm not sure whether i'm doing this because i'm bored or I really like him.
V: i have an idea and tell me if its works.
Me: ok
V: don't talk to him for a week. If after a week you miss him then you love him.
Me: and if i don't?
V: then you know.

Which is a very sensible suggestion.

Am i so desperate for another connection because im still tied to V with innumerable strings that I've only exerted a fraction of a point to cut?

One word from V and I will run to him, cast off my secrets and doubts and let them all go.

7 days begin now.

The Social Experiment Chronicles Entry #2

Spoke to AME last night.






Honestly, I think that I am putting myself at risk here but as with any (and I use this term loosely here) experiment, one has to see it right through the end. Even if it includes "Potential gang bang", "Rohypnol", "Pregnancy", "Blackmail" and "Death" is part of the "Why I should not do it" list.



March eh?

I'll have a top secret packet sent to Luci in the event that I don't make it out alive.

Social Experiment #1

Subject : A man from Egypt ( AME)
Medium : Yahoo chat
Pictures Exchanged : Yes
Lies propagated : None. Both parties were very upfront. AME once asked if I were a prostitute because of the ff:

1. Working at night.
2. A random complaint about feet hurting due to walking around in heels the entire night
3. The number of male friends

Honga ano? Could qualify as a whore except that I don't get paid. Sleeping around is so passe'. Celibacy is the new indulgence.

He also asked whether I sleep with my friends. Like literally? No. Like screwing (or in his terms "make love"). Short of saying I'd rather eat a live puppy with mange, I told him that I only drink coffee with them (And they don't qualify. Hello?! One likes boys and is a poster boy for early-forties ho-dom, the other is in love with somebody and the third is still getting over his slump). I have fallen for a friend and there is no way in this hell that I will go for a friend again. Ewww.

Potential for face to face interaction : High. He might be assigned to PI next year. I told him we'll go to the beach. Or go on a road trip.

I don't know about whether i'd like to be seen in public with him. Though I have casually mentioned that I have been chatting with AME to a couple of people, only one knows the gravity of our talks.

He's 45 and I am 30.
He's a trainer in the army (according to him) and after I scoped out the Egyptian army's uniforms online --- hmm.
I am a trainer and according to some people, scare the bollocks out of my people.

Though he has the requisite dark skin, he does resemble a rat. And there is this gleam in his eyes that just says "Me like big breasts" . Often asks for some cyber-relief which I am really hesitant to give. Ugh. Cybersex. Again. How passe.

I am tempted to see how great I am with words though --- but still...it kinda feels nasty after.

IQ Factor : Sounds intelligent though his spelling is deplorable. This is not his native language even if he does look like a native.

I am quite interested to see how this is going to pan out. I did ask him whether he's a freedom fighter (euphemism for "terrorist") and he said no.

Watch this space for the next results!

Ye Gods...

There comes a day when you realize that you have turned into your dad.

Though it's not necessarily a bad thing, there are times when you stop mid-sentence and say instead "Fuck, that's what my dad would say and though I am a chip off the old block, this has to somewhat stop"

A rather long sentence which can be summed up with one acronym : OMG.

Which is, a case in point.

My dad rambles on and on about inconsequential things --- can't blame him. When you're almost hitting 70 with over 5 kids who barely contact you and 1 daughter who is turning into a harpy, you can't help but talk to block out the curse words coming out of the latters mouth.

I don't mind being a harpy. What I do mind is having non-caring relatives who cannot be bothered to ring their dad to say hi at least once a month.

Ugh. At least I can claim to be democratic about my dislike. I dislike everybody until proven wrong or I warm up to them.

About to hit the goddamn leader's guides. Like I keep on saying, I have until June to fully decide.

Live, Eat, Breath...bullsh*t

Had a haircut today. It's shorter but still a bit safe. No way will I go ahead and start shaving my head --- not worth the ridicule and fistfights are so 1990's...

Prepping myself to live, breath and eat Deposits. Will be going through certification for the next few months which translates to 1. not losing my temper 2. a future series of humbling experiences and 3. Another goal to hit. Must bid farewell to fiction tomes reading whilst in the commute. Must focus on the blasted leaders guides.

Demotivated? Discouraged? Don't work here.

Ready to battle with the titans? Surf intrigues and eat well meaning idiot managers? By all means, welcome to the world's local bank.

I can't defend you anymore boss because you refuse to see me as part of your team.

Whatever.

Going back to work tonight. Kinda looking forward to it though I am currently harboring some angst about my status --- which makes me want to change perspective about the entire staying thing.

I have until June to decide whether I really want to stay or not.

Which translates to I have until June to go jobhunting.

Aftermath

Just recoving from the massive flood --- the water was up to my chest inside the office and right by my waist inside the house. Though we have mostly cleaned the house (except for a few surprise puddles inside closets), every time it starts to rain, my bum clenches in fear.

A couple of weeks before that, I was trawling a local marketplace site and stumbled (i.e. purposely clicked) a link that led me to the personal bits of the site.

Hilarious? A tad desperate?

I've always been curious about the mating habits of humans. Whilst Kent and I were people watching in a local whoring spot, we couldn't help but notice this :

Imagine first three tables.

Table 1 had Prosperous Looking White men of Undefined Western Origins ( PLWOMUW) who were openly ogling at the local exotiques (Exotiques with a 'Ques' to differentiate between Exotics which sound like a brand of tights with phallic patterns) parading in the skimpiest/tightest of outfits. Think "How much is that dog in the window" in terms of ogling.

Table 2 has Exotiques hoping to entice the PLWOMUW. Am not sure about the reason behind this other than a possible meal ticket or quite possibly, love (damn all those telenovelas) How were they doing it? The usual hair flipping, come hither, low neckline stunts.

Table 3 has Asians (Indians, Chinese, etc) who are ogling at a specific table of Exotiques.

Nearing the end of the night ( round 3 when Kent and I had verbally destroyed an ex manager, discussed the non-existence of my love life and his rampaging bookings and other observations), the PLWOMUW has decided to go home and at this point, the Exotiques decided to cast their heavily coated sad eyes onto the table of Table 3.

Table 3, during the course of the night was waiting. Waiting for the Exotiques to throw a purposely done hairflip in their direction. And when it happened, they all hopped, nay, leapt at the opportunity. The opportunity to do what, I have a vague idea of but I just had dinner so no...

Which brings me to some of the choice ads in the said site :

If this chap learns how to spell, perhaps the ladies will come flocking. I am wondering though, when he said FOURplay, was he born with possibly four extra appendages?

Believe it or not, this ad actually had the title "Sax tayo" --- An unexpressed desire to blow something?

Which brings me to this question : Do people really respond to these ads?

Curious...

Queen of The Nile.

So not celebrating my birthday this year.

Ergo, I am still 29 until 2010.

Fatwa you dissenters!

One Long...

This month, by far is one terrible mindfuck after the other.

1. My vacation was cancelled because of work. I know the weather is terrible and that there is an anorexic's chance of me escaping the city even for a couple of months but I don't fatwa'ing care. It's time off from work, insipid people and the constant intrigue. The intrigue is not even half interesting. I get better kicks from Perez Hilton and I don't even know these people.

2. Work. Enough said.

V's wedding was several hours earlier.

People! All your prayers and animal sacrifices might have been answered. A certain higher up is rumoured to be on his way out. Based on a loose comment on Facebook (oh please...) this person has already expressed intent.

Allowing the blood to flow on the ground worked. Well Done People!

I've been distraught the past few months. More because somebody got away and I have been overanalyzing and listening to soul sucking heartbreak music.

It's a numbing pain akin to novocaine wearing off after a nasty time at the dentist's. The vestiges of pain are right by the edges of consciousness and you have no choice but to continue breathing.

Five more days and I am still holding on.

I wish I could sleep uninterrupted again. It's been like this since February.

I remember you with the ochre lights during your last night when I walked you back to your hotel. I remember your fascination with battle tanks and nationality. I remember your denseness at the joke about ABBA and the Swedish efforts to conquer the world.

I remember you heartfelt wish for me to find somebody else.

I remember the fact that you don't carry any scent. When you told me that I need to work on my pranking skills and when I had to fight off the urge to keep on standing by your station.

And when you stood by my station more than a thousand hours ago.

I remember when we stood in the middle of the water arguing about the complexities between men and women. When I blurted out a hurt feeling and you asked me if I am ok now.

Most of all, I remember your voice.

Congratulations on your wedding and I wish you all the best in this messy planet.

And Another One...

K is leaving by the end of the week.
AU's manager has until September 15 to come up with a better deal for him.
ML is being lured by a colleague from the subcontinent to move sites.

Watching people leave sucks.
My manager once sent this email blast that asked "What have you done about your development?"
Everytime somebody from the upper managements starts blustering about how we're developing people, I have to stifle the urge to say "Chos! Excellent Chuva boss, but I don't believe this crap."

Boss, we all need a roadmap. No matter how many classes or learning sessions we attend if we don't have somebody to show us where to exactly push and pull, us taking control of our development would be akin to shooting ducks in a semi twilight lit pond. With a water gun. Whilst wearing an eyepatch. With Air Supply warbling in the background.

It's all the same everywhere.

Sigh.

Spin

had a couple of flashbacks earlier. Am blaming peanut butter and bananas on this one. I want some coffee but I can't because class tomorrow starts at 7 and I need all my energy and patience --- must not kill my trainees, namely Discourse Incompetence.

Nothing is Sacred

When fruit and dirt collide.

*lifted from www.dailymail.co.uk

Up All Night

And I've been up all night.

I might sleep all day.

Get your dreams just right.

Let them slip away

I might sleep all day.

... cause I've been thinking,

I'd like to see your eyes

open up real wide

the minute you see me...

If you don't come through

I wouldn't wait for you.

I understand that everyone goes disappearing

into the greatest grey

that covers over distance,

and hovers in the distance

and the distance

and the distance

I've been up all night

*image lifted from

2.bp.blogspot

Plastic Fantastic

Found : Falling Angels by Tracy Chevalier, my favorite author of the moment. 135p, PickABook in SM

Spent last week in the other site. I really hate the daytime shift. There are too many people on the streets and the heat reminded me that I am in hell.

Though it is great that my initial impression of a person is being changed, it is NOT that great to have a fallen saint right by your feet.

SM (Saint M___) was trying to be subtle about her hatred for H but obviously, the former does not have the knack for subtlety. In fact, if subtlety were a planet, she would be a neon pink monolith on it's Easter Island. She is the bulldozer in a 5x3 feet room, the foghorn in Dickens' Great Expectations, the gale that sank the ship, the whip on a dominatrix's hand...

"You know, even if you're sick, you can still go to work. It has something to do with setting your mind..."

Jeezus, woman, the person had to be rushed to the hospital. I think the last thing her mind can set at that point was to make sure that she wouldn't be gone from work longer than 3 days. God forbid that she miss the constant whingeing of her team...or the fact that it's a 100% attrition..

Look, I get that you hate each other's guts. I understand that H has her shortcomings. Don't forget that I was at the receiving end of the "you so stupid" harangue at some point but damnit, I was expecting SM to be decent and not discuss what she thinks ---

A manager is supposed to elevate her people and show them that there is no use complaining over things that can be let go. Instead, SM has decided to fully engage the "let's all hate her war".

To SM...

Here's a huge ONE FINGER SALUTE.

You beat tupperware in the plastic game.

It was another stiff drink moment. I finally received the wedding invite via email. Though after telling him last Friday what I thought about him, I realized that whatever temporary madness and longing sprung from who he is and how he affected me has ended..

It felt...over.

Not in the party was a dud sense or yahoo! it didn't kill me way --- just the slight, lingering empty feeling. It's similar to Chinese food after a couple of hours kind of empty.

Had to buy books and blew some two days worth of allowance (scoff, faux budget, scoff).

Found : Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People by PJ O'Rourke for the grand price of 115.00

Finished two books last weekend. Paisley Girl and the Mistress of the Art of Death (Don't ask me about authors as I am absolutely rubbish with names --- including fictional characters) I am supposed to be stockpiling books for my coming vacation ---

I did tell him to send me an invitation. And he did. But dude....the subcontinent is too far. And I might be the one to object to the wedding and experience being lynch mobbed by both you and your brides family. I have no desire to be drowned in curry.

Scene from a day :

Trainee trying to give an example: "...But if the colleague are your friend, is it still haRRASment? ..."

G left last Friday. This boy swings from the opposite poles of happiness and mania. Yesterday, apparently, somebody told his ex-boss about his resigning. Ex-boss (AKA the Lights are On But Nobody is Home) "ran" into his sister and promptly told her about it -- in turn, prompting G to wish the bloody hounds of Gaydom to sic on him.

This just keeps on getting better and getter.

Running On Fumes

Am still reeling from the fatwa'ing schedule I had this week --- oh well. Same old , same old.
Read this article about "How To Let Go of The One Who Got Away". Not exactly a shocker as it offered advice that I already know but it did give affirmation that maybe, I was right.

"...In some ways we are probably just experiencing what every man has suffered since the dawn of time: you can’t always get what you want.This can be a very disturbing realisation. After all, don’t we live in a culture that tells us we can have anything we want, as long as we are prepared to chase it?Combined with a common belief that “The One” is wandering out there somewhere, with only our heart etched on his sleeve, the realisation of lost love can feel like a death blow..."

Am having wierd flashbacks. Of taking a practical exam with one of my former English teachers, of my old job in a former company, of all the embarassing moments that I had with those I presumed to have fallen for (and had gotten away)...

It is true.

I AM GOOD LUCK CHUCK!

Seriously, I am.

BUT I DON'T FATWA'ING MIND BECAUSE I AM COOL! YEAH!

Whatever.

Whoever I like will get married in a years time.

Proven 4x. In fact, when V finally left, I said that in a years time he would be getting married.

I am so right.

Did the shameful and looked him up in Google. Ha ha. Idiot.

Going back to the old cure of work, sleep, anti-social behavior and more work.

Also deleted Say Goodnight and Go by Imogen Heap. It's just so him and so me.

If I wake up and have him still in my head, I will not curse my fate --- it's pointless and a waste of time.

Now if I can only sleep.

Hell Is Not Other People.

Hell is not other people. It's your freaking manager who I refuse to tag under "human".

Frack that.

I don't want to leave the company but frack man, stay out of my way.

And another one...

ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST.

Eat hot lead Kincaid!

One Finger Salute

Was not THAT surprised to hear A announce that she was resigning. What surprised me was how soon it was. Talk about a two week terminal leave give it to me or I sue you demand.

Manager M and H tried the old emotional blackmail route which just shows their lack of quality as human beings.

I applaud you A. I know we don't like each other but I truly meant it when I said that I will miss you.

Which brings me to .... K.

K is planning to submit her resignation this Monday. I am still hoping that she won't push through with it but knowing how this bitch operates, it's so on.

In an attempt to placate her, Manager H actually asked " If J apologizes,will you stay?"

OH COME ON.

L already submitted his letter a month ago and we're just counting the days until he's done serving the 30 day notice. I will definitely miss this closet fag (which he knows I mean in the most affectionate way) but there are some things that cannot be helped.

In a span of less than 6 months, Manager H will be losing all 3 of her remaining team.

Here's to you muthafatwa. And I so hope you don't get your people back.

*Image lifted from www.peter-slovak.com/

Kwizzes

What it says there is "Brake" the arm.

I don't have any photo editing software yet as the old desktop was reformatted --- thereby losing 4 years worth of blog entries, bad stories and photos. And 10G of music.

Have started to slowly build my music library again -- though I cannot find my Once soundtrack. I need the maudlin music to make me feel dejected and emo --- it has to be sad good and occassionally subtle. And yes, I have wandered in bad music continent but it doesn't really matter. I am the one listening to it --- even if I have inflicted Flo Rida's "Low" to a lot of busy people.

Sametime transcript:

Me : Let's sing!

Me : Apple bottomed jeans and boots with the fur! She got the whole world looking at her! She hit the floor! Next thing you know! Shorty got low, low, low, low, low.

C.P.V : Busy ka?

I have uploaded all the UrbanDub albums I have --- Anthem is on a loop though its not dedicated to anyone.

For your reference this is the chorus to the song:

I'm so much more/ Than what you cared to see / You drove me away / Now I can move forward / Move forward/ Missed chance and mistakes / How were we to know/ That it would end when we began? / The times we've wasted / Will never return again / Sleepless nights/ When your memory consumed me

Songs mean more to me if I dedicate it to anyone. A couple of months ago it was a couple of songs : Why Can't I by Liz Phair and Captured by Christian Bautista. Shoot me later Irate, I was in the throes of an infatuation and imprinted on these songs.

I am just wasting some time until 6PM wherein I will be reviewing for class again. I feel like I am at a crossroads but the map is missing.

Sigh.

In the middle of angsty rants about work, bosses and how my life sucks plus co-workers who are unconsciously undermining my intelligence --- I am glad that I have my ipod. At least I can block out some noise.

Unfortunately, a lot of the songs still remind me of V and other could have been x's. Oh well.

I need help with a decision --- and that is the decision to ask for help. Haha.

Time to start studying. Good night normal shifters!

Word Vomit

Shot my mouth off again the other day when they told me that a former schoolmate/whore is going to start in a new post in the worlds Local. I immediately said "oh *name, name* is going to work here?"

Of course the audience asked if I know this person.

And here we go with the word vomit. For some reason, everytime her name is brought up, this urge to discuss her past whoring ways comes up like the scourge of trackers and I can't help but share.

Lemme see now, I have a feeling this is going to bite me in the ass.

And I can't really say that I don't care because I do --- more about perception management and all that --- I do not want to subvert the audience's opinion of me because not only do I like them --- they can also help me.

Listen, I did try to save by face and her face in a way by stating that "she's very intelligent, nice and she did take up masters --- no problem about being approachable ---" Which was followed by " As long as you keep your boyfriends away from her"

It's not like she stole anything from me. I just really, like, seriously dislike people who are perpetual victims. And she did it in the most subtle way --- by being nice and then later on laying out her tale of woe. Get some gumption would you?!

Oh well, more when the Karma slaps back.

Sum times

Went through the job description again.

Earlier, I received the call for the interview schedule. I was sleeping and found myself agreeing to whatever schedule was given.

Reached the office to find out that it was cancelled.

Fine.

I think I am just being lured by the title and possible salary raise. Other than that, I don't see any other appeal.

Typical.

Work Life Myth Balance

The BPO industry has one of the highest turnover rates --- no figures to quote here but case in point would be in an average training class of 24, before the 6 months are up, chances are, over 15 of them would have quit.

Luci said that based on what he read, it's because people would eventually want to get a life.

Albeit, not through homicide as I sometimes have to squelch this urge to go berserk in the presence of non-role models (aka walking horrible warnings)

I said that work life balance is a something that can be found right next to the Loch Ness Monster, the yeti and Megan Fox's acting talent.

It's going to be a win win situation --- Party if I don't get the post, Party if I do get the post.

F work life balance.

5 , 12, 2

5:30 AM

I was trudging through the ugly pink and blue overpass that covered a long span of Quezon avenue. Above my head was the lightening sky and the rumble of a passing train.

6:00 AM

The scheme that involved orange cones and yellow lines along SLEX is working. The traffic is not that goddamned horrendous compared to the past months. The air is still crisp as humidity was just about to rev up.

7:30 AM

Bought some legumes for lunch. You told me before to ask P for vegetarian recipes. A couple of nights before I saw the first few minutes of Mira Nair movie. September 06 is your date and I promised you a thousand candles in my favorite church.


5 months a couple of weeks ago.
Last Thursday at 5AM.

this is the colour of my silver lining , red and gold.
- Unspoken Definites, Up Dharma Down

Guddamnit

I'm not much of a TV viewer...or a movie viewer... I'd like to say that I pretty much stay stuck inside my head mostly while reading a book and listening to some obscure band.

I can even say that I am not a hardcore fan of anything (hardcore like ready to maim anybody for claiming anybody/anything is far more superior that anybody/anything or west coast vs east coast. Oh please) I mean, I heart Jamie Oliver and Nigella Lawson but I am not about to go all icepick over them.

But why...why was CS Origins replaced with the SciFi Channel?! Where else can I watch the latest season (?) of Bones?

David Boreanz (I think I got the spelling wrong here, Irate, go ahead and correct me) and Emily Deschanel. Brains on Beauty and Brawn.

Unfair.

SkyCable...you suck!

Hell Is Other People

Oh you may call yourself a manager but the only thing you have mostly done is manage people out. In fact, we should start calling you the Patron Saint of Forced Resignation. You and your boss should stick together and create a regulatory board that enforces the theory of bad managing. You, along with your former VP are the thesis of laying siege on a department. In Dante's Inferno, you will be the one holding the pitchforks.

----

And yes, dear colleague, it's called being bitter and griping. Sometimes, I wonder why I ever saw you as someone better than me. It's not a degree in writing. It's a degree in WHINING.

----

Some people are just really....stupid.

Finally Saying GoodNight and Go.

It was the question that was hanging over our heads across the Pacific.

Me: "May I ask you a question?"
V : "Please"
Me : " Is there anybody waiting for you back home (other than your family and friends, haha)?
*long pause*
V : "Yes"

It hurt to breathe for a good couple of days.

Say Goodnight and Go V.

Hate...hate...hate...

As one of the numerous plus sized women, (though declaring it will not stop me from 1. dieting 2. planning to diet 3. dreaming of staging a "now that I am hot I don't want you" vengeance in soft focus plan) I have enough credebility when I say this.

GODDAMNIT YOU IDIOT DESIGNERS! WE DO NOT WANT TO BE COVERED IN SOFT CURTAIN-LIKE FABRICS! WE DO NOT WANT TENTS DISGUISED AS DRESSES! WE DO NOT WANT TO BE COVERED IN DARK COLOURS AS WE ALL KNOW THAT REGARDLESS OF HOW DARK THE COLOUR IS, IF YOU ARE HUGE, YOU WILL LOOK HUGE AND NO AMOUNT OF BLACK CLOTHING WILL HIDE THAT. WE DO NOT WANT HIGH WAISTED PANTS THAT END WHERE YOUR BREASTS BEGIN! AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THATS AESTHETHICALLY PLEASING AND VISUALLY LEGAL, QUIT DESIGNING HUGE FLOWER PRINTS THAT ARE SO BRIGHT THAT EVEN THE VISUALLY IMPAIRED CAN SENSE ITS LOOMING PRESENCE!

Ugh. I hate shopping for dresses. If not the smirking salespeople, its the ignorant ones who continually follow anybody dressed in ratty shirts (that has my excollege name printed on the chest) and torn cargos (tastefully torn i.e. not displaying any semblance of genitals) .

Ano ba?! Do I look like a shoplifter? And seeing as the "clothing" can double as curtains, do they look like they are easy to sneak out? If I want curtains, I will have them custom made.

Ugh. Double ugh.

Ukay rocks.

One of The Best Resignation Letters

This is a legit resignation letter written by a loved and derided ex colleague whom I will hide under the name of BadAss Bastard (BAB).
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Ms. (Insert AVP Name Here)

After an appropriate period of deliberation, I have come to the decision to tender my resignation from (insert company name here) effective (insert date here).

Please know that I still maintain a high level of respect for you as a manager and colleague, and I thank you sincerely for the support and assistance you have offered me in each of those roles. I have been proud to work for over the past 2 years; it has been a journey that has provided me with an unparalleled foundation to move forward to new and exciting opportunities.

As such I have decided to become a professional pirate. It has always been a dream of mine to live the life of a swashbuckling corsair, beholden to none and master of all I survey. Once my crew of unabashed rogues is assembled, we shall take to the capacious expanse of the high seas to pursue fortune, fame and hair-raising adventure.

Our path may not be filled with porcine comforts and technological marvels that (insert company name) provides but we shall nonetheless move forward to carve a name for ourselves in the annals of bold insurgency and death-defying derring-do. Once I have a keen blade at my hip and the Jolly Roger is flapping high above me, I believe I will find my true calling.

Please note that I am currently accepting applications for First Officer, if you are at all interested in applying, I will provide a full medical and dental plan, which will offer immediate coverage of all maladies other than scurvy and the occasional bout of rickets.

Sincerely Yours,

BadAss Bastard
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No, my two readers, this isn't mine. I do not have this kind of gumption nor creativity.

I'll See You When I get There.

Was planning to watch Wolverine but the intention went down by way of Twilight... after looking forward to seeing the damned movie for the past two months, I decided to wait for the DVD instead.

Should stop reading movie reviews and listening to Ben Lyon.

That is, until I accidentally caught that silly show on AXN titled 'The Duke' and caught the token lady host interviewing Daniel Henny. I forgot the name of the character he plays as the dialogue went above my head after seeing the guy smile.

Like, OMG.

And I will leave it at that. Too bad I saw the interview a bit late in the afternoon.

FU, so what if I am lazy?!

..............

Scene :

Mid afternoon, in an obscure restaurant in an unnamed country somewhere.

Him : Did you miss me?

Me : Of course.

Him : I moved out and took your advice. I bought a lot of frozen fish. Bream, Bass and Dory.

Me : Better than the spicy stuff you usually inhale.

Him : You can't just love someone by face.

Spent the better part of the weekend sleeping.

The current kneejerk reaction is to be a jerk. There is a thicker bubble now and it's more difficult relating to people.

Jokes are not as funny and though I get the point, I don't see the humour.

Welcome to my island. Population: 1

...............

The Biggest Sucker.

Was roped into joining this department contest of who could lose the most weight. I was thinking of going veggie anorexic whilst some have started to imbibe legal suppresants. One have been running and drinking protein shakes, some have joined clubs and I have decided to stick to my lazy ass lifestyle.

Been meaning to start my diet this week.

Which is what I said last week.

And the week before.

And the year before.

Maybe this is the push that I need.

Maybe.

The least expected are the ones who are leaving.

Or have left.

Or seriously contemplating other opportunities.

Me, I am going to remain steady.

More like slow.

Fasting for fast women.

Wish me luck.

Fragments

Went home at 3AM past Tuesday morning. Shift started at 6PM and there was no way in hell that I was going to wait until 4AM to go home at a "reasonable hour"

Took a regular bus (as opposed to an air conditioned bus) heading back to the south. The bus is a moving coffin of rust and drunken passengers. My feet rested against an old car battery and a window pane fell on some hapless persons head.

It was made of purple plastic and no blood was shed.
...........

Even at 3Am, the streets are hardly quiet. The last time I saw empty streets, I was in 1st grade and it was the holy week.
------

Just spoke to you over chat and though I have ceased to look at your pictures, I can still see you in my mind. They way you smiled, the way you feigned concentration, the way you looked in surprise when you realized that I was going with you to the beach.

And sometimes, I still look at the door thinking that you will walk in. I know it's completely stupid but it doesn't matter. You, however, DO matter. I am experiencing another lawyerdude moment here, thinking that our story isn't done yet. But I know it is because I've been there and I have done lots.

And for some reason, I can tell you all these things and know that I won't regret having said them.

I miss, miss, miss, you.
-----

@ REI : Please send us a message indicating that you are relatively unhurt and well. I hope that you weren't too affected by the quake.

Super-Fish

Skipped work last night pleading back pain.

Been lethargic for the past few weeks. A slight shift of what I was like a few months ago which was mostly depressed at work. I am not depressed at work anymore but plain lazy.

I am almost content to just sit in my room to get lost in well loved tomes and allow my hair to get greasy as this is another weekend that allowed my slovenly ways to get the better of me.

Had a couple of friends here last Friday night. Leigh was regalling us of her adventures with random boys involving couplings in the dark and automobiles, Dodes of his meeting his wife (which is a different adventure altogether) and Luci turning pink from the gin. I roasted some rosemary chicken and stewed some mushrooms with garlic. Had a moments panic when I thought that my boss and another person were going to join. Not because I don't like them (I heart my manager --- he's the complete antithesis of ___ ) but because I was concerned that we would run out of chicken.

My PC is infected with a virus I can't catch. A random korean audio file blasts in the middle of whatever I am listening to. I have to restart the PC just to shut it up.

Sometimes, I am just so tired of being me.

I want to be lured back into the superficial world wherein I care about my looks. I want to be all airheady and flightly for a couple of days and channel Alicia Silverstone's Cher from Clueless. Throw in a Paul Rudd to complete the experience and that would be cool.

I can hear the hysterical roosters in my neighborhood going at it again. Maybe it's time to go to bed.

But a shower has more appeal.

Good night.

Afterthought (Or several weeks after,,,)

Afterthought or more like it's been several weeks after and you are still in my mind.

Or I still think about your crap jokes and terrible English and smile even while on the commute.

Or I still look at KFC and not want to go in.

Or I still can't wear headbands again.

Or I still can't stop checking if you're online.

Or I still see you in my dreams.

Or I still wonder what you are up to.

Or I still check the time difference.

Or I still want to see you.

Just one more time.

The Frames + Weekend Lazy

Froth

Fanboys all over the world are frothing in mouth waiting for animation turned live action movies to fail.

When I say that I can't wait to see the following movies, I mean it in a goddamn it when are the cookies/is the liempo/is the weekend kind of impatience. The kind of impatience that requires a serious shot of mescaline.

For those new to the GI Joe Universe, here's a starter link :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OV8oZ0npUy0

Also saw the trailer of Dragonball Evolution and X-Men Origins : Wolverine.

Mmm.Mmm.


The Frames

I have been downloading the Frames albums for the past few days.

Hours spent : 30 hours
Tracks downloaded : 13
Waiting to download: 10

Whilst waiting for sources to become available, the following songs were um, picked up :
1. Human Behaviour - Bjork
2. Debaser - The Pixies
3. You're Nobody Until Somebody Loves You - Jamie Cullum
4. Round Midnight - Miles Davis/John Coltrane
5. Get To Me - Train
6. Like A Criminal - Sheila Divine
7. The Times Are A-Changin' - Bob Dylan
8. Violently Happy - Bjork

I heart the Frames and The Swell Season. Listening to them is akin to wrapping yourself in bubblewrap tinged with razors, scented with lemons and taking the option to leap into the raging sea.

After you emerge slightly unscathed, you leap again. Pretty much like falling in love but with more rythmn and less possibility of getting embarassed several times over or drunk in a local bar.

The sun is barely out right now and it seems apt to place these songs in a loop. I haven't stepped out of the house in two days and I am ready to hit the mall (fatwa'ing mallrat)

Been thinking about a lot of things , how somebody reminds me of a mean girl who just grew up, or a person whom you truly adore in public but yet cannot bear the idea of adding in your facebook, or just being completely on the edge, waiting for things to happen.

I can't wait for things to happen. I know, I know we're supposed to make things happen but what is wrong with waiting? There are things that I somewhat regret doing because I refused to wait, I wanted to know what the fuss is all about and now I could barely remember certain names.

Dreamt about this person a couple of times. The first one, he introduced me to his wife and the second time (approx. 5 hours ago) was him being back.

Holy snap! Twice in the span of two days! And here I am trying not think of the person! What is this portent?!

Continue flooding the old ipod!

Bakery Blindness + Resolutions

Went to a local bar last night with Luci. After bitching about the state of our worlds (I can just half imagine the Gods of Asgard and Olympus doing this, but with mead instead of Laiya sling) we made some resolutions that involve gripping life by the neck and shaking the schnitt out of it.

Me : "I resolve to stop liking men who are unavailable!" (shot)
Luci : " I resolve to start taking more risks!" (shot)
Me : "I resolve to drink less (shot) and take care of myself more (lights cigarette)

Took a semi long walk from the bar to Lopez. Along the way, we spotted this Korean Grocery.

Me: "I think it's red beans! (Asks Korean proprietor) Is this sweet?"
Korean Proprietor : "It's red beans! It's red beans!"
Luci : "Dude, all ice cream is sweet"

I have to go back to that store. For 35p, you get a cultural experience. Bought this green bean covered ice cream mini patties (I have no idea what the name is) which are really good. The sludge green sheet covering it does not exactly appeal to the sense but it's sweet without overwhelming the tastebuds.

So we walked.

Saw a local Pan de Manila and rushed inside. Went through another episode of Bakery Blindness -- every time I am lured into a bake shop, the next thing I know I am standing outside holding a plastic bag of different kinds of bread and no idea how I got them.

Latest Downloads :
1. Solace - Plumb
2. Tattva - Kula Shaker
3. Hush - Kula Shaker
4. 303 - Kula Shaker
5. World on Fire - Sarah McLachlan
6. I Fall In Love Too Easily - Miles Davis
7. Blue in Green - Miles Davis
8. Frontin' - Jamie Cullum
9. Yummy, yummy, yummy (i've got love in my tummy) - Ohio Express
10. Who Am I - Plumb

Time to get back to bed. Shift tonight and I know it's going to be a bitch.

Watchmen

Saw Watchmen yesterday. Had an episode of mad giggles as the look of the film was 88% similar to the novel.
Now let's discuss the remaining 12%.

The soundtrack lacked symmetry. The objective of a decent soundtrack is to add mood and irony to the scene that its layered with --- but the songs stood out in a crooked way, same as the bones that popped out after Miss Jupiter with Nite Owl beat the crap out of a topknot gang member.

The way it ended was seriously contrary to how it ended in the novel -- it was empty and it didn't twist the guts the way that it should have. Now I know that filming this story is nothing short of impossible --- the back story of Roscharch's shrink was not even discussed and so is the significance of the Frontiersman --- and the novel within the novel...alas it was missing.

Veidt's empty eyes was haunting but his back story was also sorely neglected. He wasn't as charming as he should have been. Instead, he felt as if he's some closeted bitch queen who is slightly ticked off at the world in general.

I heard Roscharch.

And damn it, it's blue! Everything is blue!

Broad...bad

Bought an aircard from Smart Bro. Was supposed to get one from Globe but the snotty lady behind the counter was insistent that it has to be used with a laptop and not a desktop. Threw a moderate hissy fit ( I am by nature, not hissy. I insult. Not throw tantrums) and went to the shop next door.

Not bad. It's actually pretty fast. Tests conducted were : 1. Opening redtube (ha haha) 2. Downloading liz phair, heather nova and mad season songs 3. Opening a website that is jpeg heavy as well as going through some social networking sites (yeah, I succumbed and signed up for facebook...and orkut. It's sibi's fault)

I will be watching Watchmen tonight...i get a flurry of happiness everytime I think about it.

And now I am hungry. Laters.

Two Weeks Can't Be That Far Enough

The poster for He's Just Not That Into You is terrible. With that being said, I don't understand all the fuss over Jennifer Aniston. She is slowly descending into looking like a skinny suburban mom.

Oh well.

Still can't dissuade me from not watching this flick. On occasion, stupid movies can help ease the continual brain strain. It's the equivalent of reading the Twilight saga wherein mental powers are not required.

Finally certified to run my skill. Sigh. I have to admit that I am the last person who will honestly say I bother to study hard (ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!) or even open her statistics textbook back in the days of yore but muthafatwa, with this, I studied the same way I approached good strong liquor and pork --- with much hyped abandon.

People who have left this universe (both alive and dead)
1. Lars, the ertswhile AVP of my process of whom I find greatly amusing.
2. Mikey, the great, witty fagbitch who made things colourful ( say it with me Mikey, "how nice it is to step out of the city." *sip tea* Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.)
3. Tony my gay uncle who used to tutor me in Algebra. May the great dance studio in the sky be free from alcohol.

and in two weeks, the guy I kinda like mostly made fun of will be leaving as well.

Sigh.

It's stupid but when I think about it, having him around as a friend made me look around my world more --- what I mean by this is that, somehow having the lack of stories to share about how life is lived here made me realize that I haven't been living at all --- that being surrounded by books and cynicism is all well and good but I somehow forgot how interested I am in other places, plans and people. And if you feel like going to the beach, GO. Damnit.

Next year, I swear, I have got to go their country. Not to see them but to see why the lure is so frakking strong.

I can't wait to get the Fray's Sophomore Album.

Got rid of my unibrow and it hurts. Will post pictures once I have my DSL at home up and running.

Dormancy

It was surprising to realize that liking somebody else was possible again. After the wreckage and the temporary death that heartbreak brought, the fact that fully knowing that this person is going to be gone in a few weeks time is alright...

There is no involvement. Just a lot of laughs, slight insights and a birds eye view on a completely different world. A world so completely different that it might as well have been Jupiter. The idea of having your life mapped out for you by other people has this certain attraction and though there is this slight regret for giving in to liking this person, some thing cannot be helped. Especially if they managed to fill in that dreamt ideal --- funny, intelligent , sharp sense of humour and completely unavailable --- read IMPOSSIBLE.

But the relief is there because the bond with the ex-object of affection is gone and now all that is left are vague memories and the occassional pang of regret for the lack of courage displayed a year and a half ago. The fact that the capacity for feeling something else besides exhaustion and dislike is another cause for relief.

The stress have been mounting for the past few months and the responsibilities of being a grown up can be a bit stifling. Even the idea of the inner summer has gone stale and there is no choice but to move forward and push even when it hurts. Even when the blinders are on and there are no choices left but to go ahead and stick your neck out.

Moving forward. Moving forward.

And I will miss you terribly when you're gone but I know that I will be okay. And that you will be okay because you are a brilliant and effervescent person. Just practice your backhand okay? Your table tennis skills leaves a lot to be desired.

Oh and tight brown slacks?! Come on.

Take care and maybe someday when I do go on that fantasy road trip we will laugh at the same joke again.

Pass the Curry on The Left Hand Side

had to take a break and leave my station.

The constant chattering in some distinct sub-continent language was driving me bonkers as I had to no choice but to hear and not understand what they are saying.

Which is tempting me to say something in Filipino. Something really nasty.

Which is something that I shouldn't do as I did resolve to be nice this year even if the effort is bordering on herculean.

I loathe Sunday shifts. The holidays just really derailed the weekend offs and I have no choice but to trudge to work.

Things to meander whilst in the commute :
1. What am i going to wear later?
2. What am i going to cook for lunch?
3. What error did I commit this time?
4. Should I or should I not really consider joining the Filipino Diaspora bandwagon?
5. Why the hell can't I find a decent guy who can also claim to have found me? (Police and narcotics division not included)
and
6. Being a grown up sucks right now. Like, seriously.

Again, choices are limited and the best thing I can do is just to grimace through it all.

My brain and pockets hurt. And so does my back.