This Modern Dance

https://www.ted.com/talks/aakash_odedra_a_dance_in_a_hurricane_of_paper_wind_and_light

Can't sleep.

I still haven't figured things out and I'm turning 35 in a fortnight.

I'm utterly horrified.

Not the exact bottom of the barrel

I run a solo income household. It's not exactly penury not are we starving but a lot of my peers do not realize what a big challenge it is for a thirty four year old who is still coming to terms with who she is and what she really wants.

You have to get creative. Seriously think out of the box and as much as there are a lot of feel good stories in this world about conquering odds and pursuing your dreams, I have to place some of my sort of plans on hold.

It's only belatedly I realized that I want to go back to school and grab another degree. Like a different one.

I'll let you know once I've figured it out. I'm still thinking. At least that's still for free.

Working Nights

It's been a long time since I wrote anything - I do a lot of writing though these involve official business - email, process documentation, instructions - the kind of writing that appears to have a direct impact in other people's lives but in truth, it's primarily making decisions that can bite you in the ass in the long run if one is not careful.

I tried to start writing flights of fantasy using my mobile phone as well - but the theme is too far-fetched and stems from some innate desire to get rid of evil in this world. Really silly but can be entertaining if all logic and sense is turned off.

I've been in the night shift for the past few months. Some three years ago, I started in the day shift and knew that eventually I will be tossed back in the dregs of the graveyard shift. I am no lightweight in staying up late - it's the drama that I cannot tolerate. Life is fairly simple - yes or no, go or stay, make or break. I am still trying to understand why there has to be several shades in between each choice.

Other people's misery at work is fodder for cigarette break gossip. And I do love me some gossip. The pretend drama is a nice comparison to how calm my life seems to be though I have had my fair share for the past year.

2013 is almost done - I wish I made something more substantial this year outside of getting promoted. I also wish I could get off my ass to start on making concrete plans for the future.

Oh well.

I never really understood the line " a part of me died" or "my world came crashing down" - how is this even possible when we can still breathe, when we can still move and eat, and love, get aroused and desire objects and people. How can a part of us die when we are in essence, still functioning? 

My father died two weeks ago and it's only now that I am beginning to understand that death transcends grief. That a person can still laugh and yet be two inches away from crying.

Some day, I'll write about how glad I am. 

Went to Tali beach last Saturday.

Man, never felt like such an indio. I think I was the only pure pinoy there.

Today I understood two things.

1. When you love somebody, you just understand. Even with all your bias and occasional hurt, you understand.

2. I am tired of understanding.

This evening, a friend and I had a casual convo about this person being in a relationship all the time
Me: He's never single - I think the longest time he was single was like 9 months after the psycho ex.
Him : Really? That's a long time. I'm hardly single. How about you? Don't you feel alone?
Me: Me? Good god no, I am comfortable with myself. I don't need another person to validate me.