The Continual Gripe

If you whine about your boss to your colleagues, there goes perception management.
If you tell your manager that you think that she doesn't like you, there goes again, perception management. If you can't handle the heat, stay out of the kitchen.
If you transfer to another department, your AVP, your boss and you colleagues will definitely talk and for those suffering with a reference point syndrome; (i.e. the continual nagging feeling that you are being discussed by other people) this will be a continuous bane in your otherwise humdrum life.
If you move to another company, it will be the same shit again and having to uproot yourself to establish a career again will just be once, huge vicious cycle. Moving is not a solution and you completely know that.
And during these unstable times, the best thing to do is to stay where it is stable. Even if the job market is asking for people of your calibre and experience.
If you refuse to cooperate by completing sensible projects say goodbye to a nice rounded number during your evaluation. And there goes your bonus.
And if you are still affected by how other people are progressing, then you have learned nothing.

If would if I could but I won't. So there.

Subjectively, I am having a sucky time and I am dreading going back to work tomorrow. For somebody who does not have much of an ego, my pride is being kicked around like a football during a MAN U game. I am seriously feeling it.

I never really worked for money though its the primary purpose of working. I have never worked to kiss ass or please other people. Oh wait, scrap the last statement. I have never worked to kiss ass but I have worked to make other people happy.

"The walls are are just in your head" This was a line I heard in Discovery Channel. And I completely agree.

Objectively, I am here to be developed. Even if I feel that the esteem my boss held for me has seriously diminished and truth be told, I think we are just forcing each other to like one another. She overestimated me and is at a loss with how to get through and I refuse to tell her and whomever what is really bugging me. Just goddamn accomplish what you set out to do and finish it. And to hell with results.

I've said this before. You cannot put a number on emotions. You can take numerous tests to gauge how smart, efficient or organized you are. You can state what your IQ is but it doesn't matter.

I am so freaking tired and I wish that something, anything will just clearly set the path for me --- because the way I see it, if I had my way, I will not step out of the house tomorrow.

Current Obsessions

I have been reading the Twilight Series for the past few weeks, alternating with The Book of Air and Shadows which is about a possible hidden Shakespeare manuscript.

On occassion I would wince at the extreme sappiness of Bella and Edward. I would put down the book and exclaim "Why the f#*! am I reading this crap?!"

Four books later...

It is not exactly difficult to admit that yes, I do like the series and that I am waiting for the movie with a level of excitement usually reserved for a drinking binge or a possible hit of amphetamines (but with the fracking random drug testing...scrap the last bit)

My tastes are rather strange when it comes to books. I have no particular fondness for any genre --- but I can't stand Salman Rushdie. Yes, he is a brilliant writer but every time I read his books (right from Satanic Verses to Midnight's Children and The Ground Beneath Her Feet --- speaking of which, I wonder where my copy is...) I feel that he is showing off his capacity for darkness. It's so silver lining underneath the dark cloud. The text is beautiful and the characters faulty and multi-textured but damn! the books read like a long elegy to pride.

Currently playlist:

1. So Not Over You - Simply Red
2. Change - Monkey Majik & Yoshida Brothers
3. Monsoon - Jack Johnson
4. No Ordinary Morning - Chicane
5. When I Grow Up - Pussycat Dolls
6. Breathe - Frou Frou
7. Right as Rain - Adele
8. Make You Feel My Love - Adele

F. The days are just too long and my skin is just too burnt right now.

He Was The First and He Was The Worst *

Went on vacation a couple of days ago. Christ, I have been barely home for 24 hours and I am already getting stressed over the prospect of going back to work.

Augh. Having to deal with the harridans that continually perpetuate the belief that louder is better is giving me dandruff.

Fine, so maybe I have not been working at the prime rate that I used to --- eff that. My driving angsty force has died down and all it left is a gaping hole where my heart used to be --- but life is more than work and I am slowly trying to get something I never really had ---A LIFE.

Oh. Don't get me wrong. I love the company I work for --- on occasion it doesn't feel like work but like what Lars said, people don't quit companies, people quit people.

Ah, the damnation of not having a choice and feining adulthood.

Turn in, tune out and live strong.

*title taken from the first single of The Vince Noir Project. Cheeky bastards. They got it correctly.