Resolu-shuns

Some easy to fulfill new year resolutions.

1. Will not purposely kill or maim anybody unless provocated.
2. Will not leap from a moving vehicle unless facing a worse threat to life and limb (like somebody with cooties or someone who is a rabid vegan bent on converting you to the cause. Pass me the steak please.)
3. Will quit pointing out that gladiator shoes are so last season. People who wear brightly hued gladiator sandals (not to mention the fact that people with fat ankles shouldn't as they start resembling praetorians) deserve pity, not pain.
4. Will read more books. And some in the local language.
5. Stop hating those who were hated in the past. Again, it is soooo last season.
6. Brush my teeth more than once a day (OH COME ON! Admit it, we all have our own grimy secrets. I am trying to conserve water and toothpaste and effort.)
7. Will moisturize more.
8. Will stop acting like a person experiencing a grand mal seizure everytime I facilitate a class. The hand gestures WILL be toned down.
9. Trainees are people too. Must remember that.

and 10. Make an honest effort to be nicer. Even if it hurts.

The "TP" in INTP does not stand for Tissue Paper

Otherwise known as "The Thinker". It's somewhat interesting how we can easily be dropped into categories and mapped out by taking a "kinda scientific" personality quiz.

Frightening thing is that the description fit me to a tee --- including my intense disdain for facades and logical approach to feelings.

----

I hate complications. Though I do acknowledge the greys, some things can fully be filtered and made easy.

It's either you are or you aren't. If you are unsure, then that might just mean you aren't. Or if you already are and is refusing to admit it, then YOU ARE. You can't be not and not know it --- unaired doubts just means that you refuse to acknowledge the truth. Whatever that may be.

----

Currently on the quest for a restaurant that serves whole roasted duck and / or chicken within the Ortigas area. I already have Gloria Maris for the duck.

Sigh. Things I do....

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Currently reading "Burning Bright" by Tracy Chevalier. It's lovely prose. Akin to seeing light through stained glass.
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Saw Rei the other day. She looks lovely. Italy suits her. And so does her boyfriend.

-----

I want someone like you
but not you.
I want someone like you,
but not you.
- ME.

Like, Stalk, Celery.

Like.

I think you're good looking with a possibly nasty disposition and hyper intelligence that just bothers me at times. Your soul is older than me and when you let that little guard slip, there is this incredibly indelible sadness that I have no particular desire to erase.

We should have coffee sometime.

Stalk

Tried googling my name. Said there that I have a Facebook account (Oh please, as if Friendster is not tedious enough) I also have a profile in LinkedIn which is odd because I haven't officially set up my profile yet. Turns out that my namesake works as a marketing coordinator / civil engineer based in the greater New York area. Hmm. I am personally barely civil and mostly engineer indirect manip...er stuff. Cool though since there is a version of my name roaming NY and hopefully living a life free from people with good intentions spewing out of every orifice. There is also one who published pathetic poetry online.

You, on the other hand also have a LinkedIn Profile, a comment in a gadget themed blog and apparently, a profile in a singles website (!?!) that guarantees marriage in, oh, a year or so. OH MY GOD, it was his parents who posted his profile in the website! MUST. CHOKE. BACK. LAUGHTER. Ahaha...Ahahaha....AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I have no idea whether he is actually aware of this... how do I go about setting up a prank?

Celery

Celery is good for you. People who have a definitive historical background are complicated. Stay away from boys who are potentially gay.

360 Degrees and Rising

Just finished reading Anderson Cooper's coup de grace Dispatches from The Edge. It spoke about desolation in the midst of much devastation and sorrow and how sadness can be a storm inside and outside...

It's a good read and I highly recommend it. It is far from P.J. o'Rourkes "Holidays In Hell" (Of which the Philippines was also featured) twisted sense of humour and irony but Anderson's book gave a 360degree overview of his world. (Sign that the Philippines is in serious schnitt : Christiane Amanpour or Anderson Cooper setting up camp in Manila. Once this happens, I am outta here.)

Also reading " Under the Tuscan Sun" which is a both ebullient and luminous. I'd like to spend a holiday there. Or two. Or forever. Away from the madding crowd, vino in picturesque villas, bitter olives falling from trees and all that.

The Woman In White is pending in my MRT to-read list. That's the nice thing about long commutes, given that you are not seated next to a drunken buffoon or random babbling old lady. The world is erased into a forgotten blur as you fully immerse yourself in the latest book to catch your fancy. As good as reading a shallow but amusing tome by the beach without that unreachable itch in your throat sense of urgency.

I am bit beat from the pressures that my current life has piled on my slightly empty head. Work has encompassed all aspects now. I just have to remember that work and being the best version (or at least closest approximation) of yourself is one of way of giving back.

Lessons learned from the past fortnight:
1. Drop people when they have ceased to be real. If they cannot figure it out after you have told them, they are not worth your time.
2. Read books not because they are popular but because they have that indefinable spark.
3. Patience is more than a virtue. It is an exercise on tenacity.
4. Bus preachers will exist forever. Stop praying that they will cease to exist.

and 5. Take pleasure in the small things.

Luci, wipe that smirk of your face. I can hear your mind working.

To listen :

1. Once Soundtrack
2. Hum by The Sheila Divine
3. The Holiday Soundtrack
4. Can't Love, Can't Hurt by Augustana.

Call me when you've landed back on Earth from Planet Ether.

The Great BF Review / Once

Yes, I am a judgmental schmuck who does believe in fair play and is often facetious on the onset. To paraphrase Luci, I have no idea when to pull the brakes.

Yes, I am a judgmental schmuck who pour insults like shampoo and is too self aware of my faults to really care about what other people say.

Yes, I am a judgmental schmuck who may have a ton of insecurities but does not let that get in the way of a great below the belt jest.

And Yes, your boyfriend has the personality of dying yeast, soggy chalk and overcooked oatmeal.

Okay, so I know that there might be a chance that you are going to read this --- and that this entry might just dampen our already endangered friendship but the thing there is that I really think you are selling yourself short with this guy.

Now, I did learn something from college (besides how to create a rudimentary bong with a plastic bottle, a cheap pen case and a small piece of tinfoil) that lesson was never, ever meddle in the lives of your friends. I lost somebody I cared for that way and the lesson somehow (and I use this loosely) stuck.

So this is what I think about your new boy. Consider this as an unsolicited review. Pretty much when you are offering me unsolicited homoepathic cures (out of affection I am sure) and invitations to a variety of non-scientific/academic conferences.

***** - 5 being the highest

Personality - **
- Metaphors used : (besides the ones mentioned earlier)
- lacks texture.
- blank.
- Watching grass grow may prove to be more interesting as at least we get to wonder about the miracle of nature.
- Frozen asphalt has more character.

Appeal **
- ?!
- Was he really there?!

Overall : **
in summary : EPIC FAIL.

I am hoping that this guy has a lot of redeeming qualities and that we were just being exhausted jerk-wads who have no better use for our time than to shred somebody to pieces for the fun of it --- or maybe we are just too jaded and too overexposed to dynamic people hence other people appear to lack luster.

I gave the guy points for his nonchalance over what we thought. Points to him for not caring over the fact that we think he's wasting your time.

Now while we're on the confession thread, let me tell you why I am still pissed over you not showing up at the dinner invite.
Point 1. I rarely invite anybody for a meal even if my culinary skills are above average. Nope. Never have I offered to cook for anybody.
Point 2. You have nagged me time and time again to invite you to my house. When I finally did (complete with bells and whistles) you claim that you did some fantastical cosmic exercise that drained you of your energy.
'Scuse me. But didn't we use to work 15 hours straight taking calls from that idiot company? And managed to go out after?
HELP. ME. UNDERSTAND. HOW. THE. F. DID. THAT. WORK. OUT.

Okay, shallow griping over.

Man, your quasi-ex (whose name begins with a 'b') really bent and screwed you over huh?

Once is Not Enough

I bought a copy of the soundtrack of Once and I must say, I completely fell in love with the songs.

Listening to the CD is akin to rubbing your skin raw with rock salt and jumping into a vat of lemon juice.

It just hurts....so good.

..."I don't know you
but I want you
all the more for that
words fall through me
and always fool me
and I can't react
and games that never amount
to more than they're meant
will play themselves out
- Falling Slowly , Glen Hansard

Worth more than a thousand listens.

Snow-Flaked

Today is Snow's birthday.

I cannot remember anymore how old she is or why we have stopped talking.

I turned into an outright, barely stifled snob and she decided to live her life the best way she can.

Sometimes, I think she got the better part of the deal.

Sometimes, I like thinking that I am better than her.

Any way we look at it, we both became whom we did not plan to become.

Which is not a bad deal when you think about it --- most of the population are caricatures of whom they intended to be --- so take comfort in the fact that even if it didn't happen (f*ing deep six that white picket fences bullsh*t) something still happened.

So Snow, hang on in there and continue glowing in the dark. I am hoping that eventhough your bar is located in a seriously remote area of your province, I am still hoping that it becomes a success on its own merit. We cannot undo what happened 6 odd years ago, neither can we go back to who we were --- I think those strangers had no idea that we are going to be who were are right now --- but at least they lived. Drugs, alcohol and stupid, advantage taking parties included.

And even when you veered off from my life and you are now (at least you appear to be) having a ball, am happy that at some in point time, I knew who you are.

Happy birthday and try to take your meds on time.

Laaters Snow.

Quantumed

Saw Quantum of Solace past Sunday. Kevs and I were having this text debate about Daniel Craig. Kevs can't stand the blond bond whilst the image of him emerging from the ocean is permanently tattooed in my semi-alzheimer state mind.

Enjoyed the flick. Looking forward to watching Twilight though I am a bit concerned about all the hype/buzz that it's been generating (ew.com has a freaking devoted page to the movie). It might just turn out to be another reincarnation of a Life Less Ordinary (anybody remember this movie?) which turned out to be a Life Mostly Sucky. I was wishing, no hoping, nay, utterly desirous that the latter be a massive hit but it barely made an impact in the stratosphere except display the fact that Ewan Mcgregor a.) managed to combine acting like a hapless idiot and still look adorable and b.) being blonde can only take you so far. Acting chops are required to be considered as an actor and not be dismissed as just another pretty face. (Begins with a "c" and ends with an "ameron" --- [But Avid! She has seen Justin's Timberlakes!] heh.)

Re-reading The Time Travellers Wife by Niffelenger. It's a lovely read though I would recommend that this should be read once you are over that indefinable stage that closely resembles the gray gel-like flotsam and jetsam of loneliness and longing.

Because it is mostly about longing for something that you already have. And that has claimed itself to be yours.

Am planning to hit Ho Chi Minh in 2009. Of course I don't know anybody there. That's the point of jumping into an adventure right? To lose your current identity to find a new one. I'd hate to quibble about finding yourself ( 30 years and you're still lost?!) but sometimes, you just really have to get lost and explore outer space.

If not Ho Chi Minh (and it's glorious French-Asian fusion street food --- though I hate the word "fusion" in relation to food with a passion) then I am hoping that I end up in Indonesia.

Definitely not in Singapore. Maybe HK. But that would be pushing it.

But hey, given the opportunity to see Justin's Timberlakes, I'd gladly go to Timbuktu.

Go, OGO.

Ran into the Old Gay One (OGO) the Saturday before last. There was this slight rush of pleasure at seeing an old friend. Last time I saw him, he was a caricature of his usual crude, tasteless self --- he had turned into a bitter old crone with a predilection for harassing the hapless men in our department. A great point about this fag is that he likes taking care of people --- when I was in the throes of a deep depression (to the point of walking around feverish), he was the one who whisked me off to this overpriced but above average indian/pretensious fusion restaurant. Nevermind that we split the tab after.

Negative energy was oozing out of every enlarged pore. I hate encountering people who are in the midst of a middle age crisis storm.

OGO, dude, come on. I would rather be micro-managed than listen to you nag me about exercising whilst I am enjoying a non-complaining fag and a cold beer.

Fear and Loathing in a Faux Hawaiian Bar
Went to the Oktoberfest Saturday night in M2. Tendonitis suitably worsened after surviving the crush of drunk people whilst bopping along to Razorback. Rode back to the boondocks with a guy whom I will hide under the name of SickoRomantic.

Whilst in the faux hawaiian bar ( Nothing remotely hawaiian about the place --- no. Presence of pineapples does not qualify the "hawaiian" title. We grow the damn fruit in this country!) SickoRomantic and Overachiever started talking about their experiences with prostitutes. For some reason, it felt like a pissing contest on who scored the most. And, again, for some reason, they felt the need to ask for my permission to talk about where their schlongs have been. I am not affected. But if they had stated that they had screwed a 15 year old, I would have crushed the thick glasses on their thin skulls. I draw the line at underage/forced fornication.

What drove me nuts however was later in the evening when Luci was finally able to join us, SickoRomantic went puerile over "putting on the blinkers" once you're in a long distance relationship. He continued with "If you truly love the person, you will forgive them for what they have done."

Right.

And then he asked me if I will tell my friend if I see his girl cheating on him. I answered that there are no real answers to that. Just a whole bunch of gray areas.

Which he easily shot down.

I didn't have the heart to tell SickoRomantic that as far as my friends relationships are concerned, I don't really care. Fine. I do admit that I easily judge the people that my friends go out with --- I either see them as brilliant bastards or bland as oatmeal with the personality of soggy chalk. I do admit that I base some of their merit on what they have accomplished, their current job positions and their ability to use words that has more than three syllables. A relationship that is not mine is well, not mine. Even if I do catch somebody cheating, it's not my prerogative to report them immediately. Let the relationship self destruct on its own. The last thing anybody will need is another person telling them what to do --- or influencing their decisions. Let the cheated enjoy their moments of pseudo-connubial bliss. Let them, the cheated find out on their own. The best thing that their friends can do for them is listen and not give advice. And when asked to do so, say "follow what you think is right for you regardless of what other people have said."

I did not say all these things because there is no point to kicking a man in the balls when he is already down. SickoRomantic's wife had cheated on him several times. And he is staying in the relationship because he is an inherently "good" person who decided to fight for their "love".

So, SickoRomantic, continue the fight. Just don't ask me for my opinion on things that don't count in my world.

Pity Party Chronicles part 2.

"And then she became angry when I said that she's spearheading the project. I mean, isn't that supposed to be a positive thing?"
Me : "True, but you never fight with a pregnant woman. Their hormones are going crazy"
"Yeah, I know so I was asking her if we can talk somewhere else."
Me : "And what happened?"
"She turned her back on me and refused to talk. How can I work with these people?"

Oh god, some people really need to get a life. And not through homicide or murder 1.

Anthony Bourdain is/was in Manila! Crap! And I wouldn't be able to watch the episode because our cable service does not carry Discovery Travel and Living. Wait, of course they do but I have no fracking resources to add the extra channels. Frack!

http://anthony-bourdain-blog.travelchannel.com/read/pressure-drop

Damnit!

Sideways.

Will be moving to a new team this coming Monday to train for something else.

Though I did deeply desire to be removed from an otherwise productive team, I didn't realize that it was going to happen THIS fast.

And why do I feel like I am being managed out?

Oh well. Times are a-changing.

Songlist

Current playlist that is on heavy rotation.

Before the Worst - The Script
The End Where I Begin - The Script
We Cry - The Script
The Man Who Can't Be Moved - The Script
Talk You Down - The Script
Anybody There - The Script
Breakeven - The Script
Photograph - Jamie Cullum
No Ordinary Morning - Chicane
Something Alway's Wrong - Chicane
Something Hot - Afghan Whigs
66 - Afghan Whigs
Rebirth of the Cool - Afghan Whigs
Change - Monkey Majik + Yoshida Brothers
Golden Brown - The Stranglers
California Dreaming - The Mamas and The Papas
I'll Be Alright - Anggun
Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley
Love Potion No 9 - The Hollies

Everytime I listen to these songs, I wish I am back by the beach and getting tanned into the gravity of a handbag.

Usual Friday Night + Oktoberfest

Erratum : Anthony Bourdain's book is titled "A Cooks Tour"

Scene from a bar

I tend to gravitate towards that overpriced joint Outback after Friday shifts. As I had told luci, it's the perfect opposite of Cheers. In Outback, nobody knows your name.

And it suits me just fine. I just needed some beer to release the pent up stress of the past work week.

Thought I saw Jolo there last Friday. Nearly had a heart attack. Realized after two skipped heartbeats that it wasn't him. I was a bit disappointed but mostly relieved.

So. I was sitting by the bar, watching the ertswhile b-ball game between SMB and TalkNText when these two exotic ladies sat next to me. One was trying desperately to feign an accent (twang, you know) whilst her companion was trying to imitate the fake twang. It was sheer music to my tired ears --- people who are worse than my worst trainee. And my worst trainee CAN string several sentences together even if there is an invisible "i" sound floating in front of his "s" words (i.e. ismooth, ischedule, isales)

Since we are talking about a restaurant situated in Makati, there are a lot of generic white men who usually congregate in the oft-mentioned joint.

Exotic lady A : (Approaching one generic white male) "Hi, may I know your name?"
Generic white male : (Giving her one of the coldest look overs I've ever witnessed) "NO!" (Turns his back on her.)

Ha ha haha. Had to choke my laughter as I was not in the mood to get into a fight.

Oktoberfest

Went to the annual Oktoberfest in M1. Some of the bands rocked, some of the bands sucked and a couple of bands shined because of sheer personality. The band that won sang a bon jovi and heart song. Damn. But they were talented and had character. My main goal for the evening was to ensure that I crawl back home and throw up by my house's gate. Unfortunately, even after a couple of pitchers, I found myself thirstier . That and the guest local act happened to be some band that my maid listens to (Begins with a "C" and ends with "allalily") Even with my bestfriend Luci there, I decided to leave and gorge myself in Jollibee. Ick. Not even the promise of a barcrawl can make me stay and listen to that schnitt. I have too much taste for that.

Next Saturday the M2 Oktoberfest will kick off and I will be there. The guest band this time is RAZORBACK. Yes, THE Razorback. Even if I am more fond of Wolfgang, (as the latter provided my high school life's soundtrack. Next to the Red Hot Chili Peppers) we're talking about a band that is worth the bother. (Bother because I would have to go down from the boondocks of Parañaque to go to QC)

Augh. Rehydrating sucks. I am close to finish one litre of water. Oh well.

The Script

EAR CANDY ALERT.

...What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you/ and what am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok / I'm falling to pieces yeah / I'm falling to pieces yeah /I'm falling to pieces (One still in love while the other ones leaving / I'm falling to pieces (Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)... Breakeven - The Script

Yeah, that would have been an apt song a few months ago. Am recovering nicely and have advanced to the hi-hello stage. At least I can say hello again without that all too familiar multiple stabs in the chest. And I can say that with finality even when my heart has taken a vacation. But the world is too wonderful and bizarre to ignore --- there are a lot of other things to take marvel at and test your capacity for feeling.

Caught the tailend of The Script video (The Man That Can't Be Moved) and was sucked in into a spinning spiral of obsession. Started downloading the song which lead to another...and another....so right now I am waiting for Limewire to complete the album. So far, I have : We Cry, The Man Who Can't Be Moved, Talk You Down , Breakeven and The End Where I Begin.

Which are all heartbreakingly lovely.

Seems like the boys of the Script are all struggling over some form of heart absentia. Which is a bit delightful as the bastards of the xy variety can be such inhuman gnomes. Or maybe I am just being an embittered crone. Who cares, we all have to move on some day.

Sometimes we don't learn / From our mistakes / Sometimes we've no choice but to walk away/ away/ Tried to break my heart / Well it's broke / Tried to hang me high / Well I'm choked / Wanted rain on me / Well I'm soaked / Soaked to the skin / It's the end where I begin / It's the end where I begin - It's The End Where I Begin The Script

Reading a borrowed copy of Anthony Bourdain's "Search for the Perfect Meal" (or something or other...so sue me.) It's perfectly delicious and definitely appeals to the barely hidden inner gourmand. Another tome to add to my Christmas lust list. Right next to an IPod Classic, a pair of black chucks, an external hard drive and a DSL connection. Sigh. It's tough being a drone.

I have 6 days worth of music in my PC. I need a new IPOD. I can only cram 250+ songs in the shuffle and it's getting frustrating. Downloaded "Love Is Noise" by The Verve as well.

Frack. I need to get some sleep. But I am still downloading the album. Ha ha.

The Pity Party Chronicles part 1

" How can I work when I am not happy with my team?"

Me : " Well, if you honestly believe that you are doing the right thing then I don't think that their opinion should count."

" They keep on leaving me, I've been trying to get along with them since Tranche 1 and it's not happening."

Me : "There is no use fighting with a woman who is pregnant. Their hormones drive them insane. Talk to *bleep*. I am sure she can see things objectively."

" I am thinking about leaving in March."

Me : "Err....."

No. I was not talking to myself.

Lunch Brake.

LUNCH
Watercress + Tofu + Mushrooms

Ingredients :
4 cloves of garlic (minced)
I tube or rectangle of soft tofu, cubed (haha.)
Mushrooms - either shiitake or something similar to that. Button mushrooms somehow do not taste that great with Tofu (Button mushrooms are pretty blah to begin with)
Watercress (a small bunch costs about 13p from SM. Get two bunches), chopped.
Oyster sauce
Pepper
Extra Virgin Olive oil (you can use any ordinary cooking oil but EVOO just sounds fancier.)

1. Heat pan. Note: Do not overheat the pan as if the EVOO starts burning, it will release free radicals which, as most radicals are, bad for you.)
2. Lightly sautee' the garlic.
3. Throw in the chopped mushrooms.
4. Once the garlic and mushroom are lightly cooked (you would know this by the smell), throw in the watercress.
5. Wait until the mix has taken a more cohesive appearance (so sue me, I don't speak cookbookenese) gently throw in the tofu.
6. Do not overmix as soft tofu tends to get crushed easily.
7. Season with pepper and oyster sauce.

You can either top this over rice or eat it on its own. I am going to be serving this for lunch with steamed cream dory that has been marinated in lemon juice and salt. For balance, serve vanilla ice cream with either maple or chocolate syrup on top. M&Ms are optional.

Brake

Yeah, yeah, I know i've been griping too much about bloody work but I had a great epiphany last Friday.

So whilst chasing my blues away with legal alcohol (illegal alcohol is alcohol taken with either ampethamines, grass or a really, really bad boy) I overheard this bloke.

Ugly bloke : "You stupid fucker, if you fucking love what you're doing, just fucking do it!"

I think he and his companion was discussing something else. I don't care. He's absolutely correct.

Here's something that completed my day:

Line managers notes on an associates performance : *bleep* tends to be defensive during feedback sessions. She is repulsive to feedback."

Yeaaaaahhhhh....

BTW. Quantum of Solace is screening on the 5th of November. YAY!

Feeling Your Week and Filling Your Afternoon

FILLING:
Here is an afternoon snack that is guaranteed to rinse the doldrums away and destroy your hips.

Peanut Butter& Cheese French Toast.

Ingredients :

16 Slices of Bread (For 8 sandwiches. Divide by 2, depending on the number of people you are intending to feed - in my case, it was 7 people. 3 adults and 3 kids)
A small can of condensed milk
3 eggs
Peanut Butter
4 slices of cheese (Cheddar would be ideal or a light emmental but for those who are on a budget like me, stick to generic "cheese" that is more flavourful than tile grout.)

Procedures:

1. Create your peanut butter and cheese sandwiches. No, not peanut butter ON cheese but two seperate sandwiches.
2. Mix the eggs and condensed milk in a slightly deep bowl. This could also be the same bowl where you serve your rice. As long as it doesn't have any ridges on the bottom.
3. Heat your flat pan (I have one of those fancy teflon square pans wherein the cooking oil does not create a pool in the middle --- if you do not have one of these, just get your regular pan)
4. DO NOT OVERHEAT THE PAN. Low flame only. Make sure that it is hot enough to melt at least a teaspoon or quarter on an inch thick pat of butter (or margarine). Cover the entire surface of your pan with the fat.
5. Dip the sandwich in the eggs and milk mix. Make sure that it is fully covered on all sides.
6. Toss on the pan, 3 minutes on each side (or until one side is golden brown). Flip as needed.
7. Serve with some garlic sausages as a side dish or bacon. Make sure that your side dish is savoury as the french toast can be a bit overwhelming.

I served these with some awesome sausages and green tea. It's an awesome treat. Have it at least once every six months as these are seriously heavy on the calories.

----------------------------------------

FEELING

I have to admit that I have been struggling with a lot of things for the past few months. It's been a rocky year so far and just when I thought I am okay, new things pop out and instead of me resolving it, all I have been doing is continually moping and mulling over things that I have failed to do and not understand.

I have been trying to understand the sudden slump in interest with life. I cannot summon the energy to be creative, happy or even care for the things that used to hold a lot of meaning for me. I have turned my back on opportunities and I have disappointed my manager, my team and myself.

I thought that my small, week long sabbatical by the seaside would help me really sort out my issues --- but I just realized that these issues have been haunting me since I was in high school and it's only now that they have started to erupt in the surface, burning a lot of matter that I used to hold close to my heart.

I think that the fact I am looking at things objectively means that I still have hope. I cannot blame people for being better than me or having come from families that were founded on substance that I am only beginning to discover. Blaming others or myself is not going to solve anything.

Live one day at a time. Banish the feelings of hopelesness. Find what really gives me joy.

Stop over thinking and let things happen. Work, and work hard on finding myself.

Hitting this age does suck but I am here now and there is no point in fighting it.

The Continual Gripe

If you whine about your boss to your colleagues, there goes perception management.
If you tell your manager that you think that she doesn't like you, there goes again, perception management. If you can't handle the heat, stay out of the kitchen.
If you transfer to another department, your AVP, your boss and you colleagues will definitely talk and for those suffering with a reference point syndrome; (i.e. the continual nagging feeling that you are being discussed by other people) this will be a continuous bane in your otherwise humdrum life.
If you move to another company, it will be the same shit again and having to uproot yourself to establish a career again will just be once, huge vicious cycle. Moving is not a solution and you completely know that.
And during these unstable times, the best thing to do is to stay where it is stable. Even if the job market is asking for people of your calibre and experience.
If you refuse to cooperate by completing sensible projects say goodbye to a nice rounded number during your evaluation. And there goes your bonus.
And if you are still affected by how other people are progressing, then you have learned nothing.

If would if I could but I won't. So there.

Subjectively, I am having a sucky time and I am dreading going back to work tomorrow. For somebody who does not have much of an ego, my pride is being kicked around like a football during a MAN U game. I am seriously feeling it.

I never really worked for money though its the primary purpose of working. I have never worked to kiss ass or please other people. Oh wait, scrap the last statement. I have never worked to kiss ass but I have worked to make other people happy.

"The walls are are just in your head" This was a line I heard in Discovery Channel. And I completely agree.

Objectively, I am here to be developed. Even if I feel that the esteem my boss held for me has seriously diminished and truth be told, I think we are just forcing each other to like one another. She overestimated me and is at a loss with how to get through and I refuse to tell her and whomever what is really bugging me. Just goddamn accomplish what you set out to do and finish it. And to hell with results.

I've said this before. You cannot put a number on emotions. You can take numerous tests to gauge how smart, efficient or organized you are. You can state what your IQ is but it doesn't matter.

I am so freaking tired and I wish that something, anything will just clearly set the path for me --- because the way I see it, if I had my way, I will not step out of the house tomorrow.

Current Obsessions

I have been reading the Twilight Series for the past few weeks, alternating with The Book of Air and Shadows which is about a possible hidden Shakespeare manuscript.

On occassion I would wince at the extreme sappiness of Bella and Edward. I would put down the book and exclaim "Why the f#*! am I reading this crap?!"

Four books later...

It is not exactly difficult to admit that yes, I do like the series and that I am waiting for the movie with a level of excitement usually reserved for a drinking binge or a possible hit of amphetamines (but with the fracking random drug testing...scrap the last bit)

My tastes are rather strange when it comes to books. I have no particular fondness for any genre --- but I can't stand Salman Rushdie. Yes, he is a brilliant writer but every time I read his books (right from Satanic Verses to Midnight's Children and The Ground Beneath Her Feet --- speaking of which, I wonder where my copy is...) I feel that he is showing off his capacity for darkness. It's so silver lining underneath the dark cloud. The text is beautiful and the characters faulty and multi-textured but damn! the books read like a long elegy to pride.

Currently playlist:

1. So Not Over You - Simply Red
2. Change - Monkey Majik & Yoshida Brothers
3. Monsoon - Jack Johnson
4. No Ordinary Morning - Chicane
5. When I Grow Up - Pussycat Dolls
6. Breathe - Frou Frou
7. Right as Rain - Adele
8. Make You Feel My Love - Adele

F. The days are just too long and my skin is just too burnt right now.

He Was The First and He Was The Worst *

Went on vacation a couple of days ago. Christ, I have been barely home for 24 hours and I am already getting stressed over the prospect of going back to work.

Augh. Having to deal with the harridans that continually perpetuate the belief that louder is better is giving me dandruff.

Fine, so maybe I have not been working at the prime rate that I used to --- eff that. My driving angsty force has died down and all it left is a gaping hole where my heart used to be --- but life is more than work and I am slowly trying to get something I never really had ---A LIFE.

Oh. Don't get me wrong. I love the company I work for --- on occasion it doesn't feel like work but like what Lars said, people don't quit companies, people quit people.

Ah, the damnation of not having a choice and feining adulthood.

Turn in, tune out and live strong.

*title taken from the first single of The Vince Noir Project. Cheeky bastards. They got it correctly.